Well it’s official…I am finally pregnant!!! It has been a LONG five years of fertility procedures, injections, emotional highs & lows and just plain giving up but God has finally blessed me and my wife. The better news is that we are having two! That’s right…TWINS!!! Something we never expected but we are so overjoyed.
I took a huge break from Facebook and the blogging world because every time I would see someone’s pregnancy announcement, it would put me in such a dark place. All I could do was lay in the bed and cry. I cut off friends that were pregnant because I just couldn’t deal. I was embarrassed about my reaction to their good news and I didn’t want to “bring down their high” so I just found it easier to cut them off. Probably not the best way to deal with things but I had to take care of myself at that time. I can now say that I was steps away from needing to be institutionalized and the only way I could cope, go to work, get through more fertility treatments and continue a relationship with my wife was to totally take myself away from anything that had to do with pregnancy.
I want to apologize to all of my friends and family that I shut out during that period. Looking back, I realize it was a bit selfish how I handled things but I hope those people can put themselves in my shoes. I’ve never in my life been accused of being selfish. I’m not trying to make excuses but anyone who knows me knows that I spent a great deal of my life taking care of others. My grandparents raised me and as a young child, I had to look out for them because they were much older and couldn’t do a lot of things. I pretty much raised my brother for the first 8-9 years of his life because my grandparents just couldn’t do it anymore. I gave up going away to college because I had to be there for them and I spend most of my 20’s caring for them before they died. I always had to put them first and for the first time of in my life, I had to put ME first. That was the only way I was going to survive. Some of the people I shut out understood what I needed to do for me but some didn’t and I totally understand that too. I just hope they come around at some point because it was never that I wasn’t happy for them, it was just that seeing them or hearing about their pregnancies made me think that it was never going to happen for me and that tore me apart inside.
My best friend telling me she was pregnant changed everything for me. Even though, I didn’t have the greatest reaction to that news initially, I knew I had to turn this around. I had to be there for her. To this day, I still feel horrible that I wasn’t the overjoyed and supportive friend I should have been to her from the very beginning of her pregnancy. Because of that, I will do everything in my power to make that up to her. I know she understood my pain and I thank her for that! After she told me, every night before I went to bed, I prayed to God to get me out of this funk. I started to talk about my feelings in therapy and began acupuncture and yoga. Secretly, I started looking at Facebook again and trying to reach out to some other pregnant friends to get those friendships back. Anything to expose me to a little pregnancy stuff so I can get used to it and be ok with it not being me. Just when I started doing that, BAM, I got pregnant. I’m not the most religious person but I truly feel this was God’s plan. During that depressed time, I wasn’t ready to be pregnant. Now my bestie and I are both pregnant together and due just a few weeks apart. Our birthdays are only a few days apart so I think it was meant to be! You don’t get many friends in your life that are what I call “ride or die” so I am so thankful to have her and she will be the god mother to my children!
When I found out I was pregnant, I just cried and thanked God and when we did our first ultrasound and saw there were two babies, my wife cried which was so lovely. She has wanted to have a family just as much I have so it’s so wonderful to see how elated she is. Given the issues we had with our last pregnancy, we waited past the first 3 months to tell people except for close family and friends. We wanted as many ultrasounds and as many “you’re good to go’s” as we could get from my regular OB and high risk OB. I am now at 17 weeks and since our last appointment went so well (and there is no hiding my growing twin belly now), we figured it was time to let the world know.
We are treading lightly and trying not to get too excited because we know too well that nothing is guaranteed and anything can happen. I just can’t stop smiling though and even though I can’t feel them yet, I rub my belly just to make sure they are still there. My goal is to now find a church that accepts me and my family because I want to praise God for always being there even when I thought he forgot about me. I need to raise my children in the church like I was, and give them a good foundation of faith.
My due date is November 21, 2015 but the doctor said we will most likely do a scheduled C-Section in late October. I personally hope I can choose the date of November 9th. That was my grandfather’s birthday and coincidentally the date that Nicole and I lost our son about 3 years ago. It would be nice to turn that day around in my mind and honor my grandpa! But any day will do…I just want to hold my babies and tell them how much their mommies love them.
Thank you all for reading and I am so happy to be back. I know I have a lot of new followers and I have started to follow many more blogs so I’m excited to catch up on the lives of other lesbians trying to make babies!!!